One day a blond who had no past experience in horseback riding, decided to try.
She mounted the horse, and it started to gallop, the horse kept going faster, and faster. The blond lost control and started to slide down the side of the horse. So she made a grab for the horse's tail, but couldn't get a good grip.
She then reached for the horse's mane, still she couldn't get a good grip. Now she was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves.
Fortunately, Dave the Wal-Mart manager, came and unplugged the horse...
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
ZZJoke.com - Joke
A couple of hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground clutching his chest.
After struggling for a few seconds,he seemed to stop breathing. The other hunter quickly pulls out his cellphone and dials 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
In a soothing voice, the operator says, "Try to remain calm, sir. I can help you. First, we need to make sure he's dead."
Immediately the operator heard a shot.
The frantic hunter comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?"
After struggling for a few seconds,he seemed to stop breathing. The other hunter quickly pulls out his cellphone and dials 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
In a soothing voice, the operator says, "Try to remain calm, sir. I can help you. First, we need to make sure he's dead."
Immediately the operator heard a shot.
The frantic hunter comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?"
Saturday, December 11, 2010
From ZZJoke.com
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings.
The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Moody in Buffalo
My husband is not happy with my mood swings.
The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Moody in Buffalo
Saturday, December 4, 2010
From zzjoke.com
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Joke
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You bastard it's ten past three in the morning!"
-from my friend at ZZJoke.com
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You bastard it's ten past three in the morning!"
-from my friend at ZZJoke.com
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Emini System Trading This Week
No trades this week.
Meanwhile here is some humor from ZZJoke.com
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway!!
Meanwhile here is some humor from ZZJoke.com
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Something for the end of the week
From my friend at ZZJoke.com...
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR W/ SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIRDRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN"
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS" IN THE MEMO LINE OF ALL YOUR CHECKS.
7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."
8. DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION
9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT SEX THEY ARE. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AFTER THEY ANSWER.
11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO".
12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.
14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD ________.
17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!","I WON!" "3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!
18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO." AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......
20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY SENT IT TO YOU OR ASKED YOU NOT TO SEND THEM STUFF LIKE THIS.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR W/ SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIRDRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN"
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS" IN THE MEMO LINE OF ALL YOUR CHECKS.
7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."
8. DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION
9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT SEX THEY ARE. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AFTER THEY ANSWER.
11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO".
12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.
14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD ________.
17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!","I WON!" "3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!
18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO." AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......
20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY SENT IT TO YOU OR ASKED YOU NOT TO SEND THEM STUFF LIKE THIS.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
FROM ZZJOKE.COM - Jokes
for a change of pace...
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain!!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out in the pouring rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies...
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain!!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out in the pouring rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
ZZJOKE.COM
Here's a sample from ZZjoke.com
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
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